It is 12 a.m. and I am sitting here contemplating how I royally screwed up (what I did is irrelevant) however what I am currently experiencing is rather significant I feel.

I feel anger, regret and resentment towards myself (and of course some self pity otherwise I would not be writing this). There is probably an opportunity to fix my mistake but just as my favourite Shakespeare character ‘Hamlet’ I seem to have this fatal flaw of inaction. I just can’t seem to do that which I want and what I need to do. I guess the crushing defeat that I feel is part of what keeps me from  trying to fix my mistake. The fact that I am listening to music in which the protagonist wants to be tied to train tracks displays this.

But I have made mistakes before and things have always worked out, sort of. So what is different about this mistake? I have been racking my brain trying to figure that out. What about this mistake is so monumental that it makes me believe it is different from the other mistakes? And this is my answer: nothing. Absolutely nothing is different this time around! Then why can’t I seem to shake it? But then I remember that this is the reaction I have had after each “big mistake”. I have personal experience of how things kind of work out eventually. Then why do I always revert to this state of being completely distraught after each one? Do I stress too much? Do I juts not understand life? Or is this just the basic human condition? An instinctual need to grieve and lick one’s wounds.

Whatever it is, it needs to stop because I have a mistake to try and fix and have no time for self pity- no matter how consoling it is. It’s time to be less like Hamlet and more like Romeo, but he wound up dead, so what does he really know?